If there has been one year that has changed everything – it is 2020. While in the past these changes were more personal, more local, thanks to covid19 the sufferings, the pain is not about a country, state or city.

As I am typing this post to review 2020, the year gone by, I am filled with so many emotions – a big chunk occupied by pain, emptiness and loss. In this short life almost all the years have been filled with ups and down, sometimes more downs and fewer ups but 2020 has left such a vaccum in our lives that I cannot see anything filling it up in future. We will have to learn to live with this while we spend our time on this planet. But I will still attempt to review 2020 because if there has been one year that has changed everything – it is 2020. Surprisingly or not so surprising is the fact that while I feel sad about my personal loss, I also know of so many others who underwent similar pain. The much talked about new normal has become forever normal for us.

The year began on a very hopeful note. We were in Delhi to spend a week with my dear lovely sister Yashasvita who had undergone a rather difficult surgery in October 2019 and as part of her treatment, radiation and chemotherapy were lined up from January 2020. For past few years it had become a rather regular practice to spend end of December or early January, if not new year, with her when she would travel to Mumbai for her annual visit to the Tata Memorial Hospital.

Hope

Diagnosed with jaundice in October, subsequent tests had confirmed presence of cancer in the pancreas and hence the surgery. But post that – we were hopeful that like 2007, this time too Yashasvita will beat cancer. The initial month after surgery was difficult for her as she adjusted to the new diet and medicines. As she did in 2007, this time too Yashasvita was leading the fight from the front and all our conversations were only around how she wants to first beat the monster called cancer and later take care of everything else.

Celebrations

We all were looking forward to 2020 for so many reasons. It was the year when our parents were completing 50 years of togetherness. It was also the year when my father turned 75. So it was double celebration time. We started planning for it in 2019 itself with searching for a suitable venue to host the event. By January end coronavirus had arrived in India but things were not looking that bad and even after the lockdown we were hopeful that by June things would be better and the mega family get together would happen.

All is not well

The first signs of something was not right were felt in May when Yashasvita’s report showed alarming increase in one of the parameters. The parameters had reported increase in the past as well and while the doctors were still trying to find out the possible reason for this, we consulted the doctor at Tata Memorial who had treated her in 2007. When your mind is full of doubts and you are looking for some positive, reassuring sign – you want someone to tell you – things are okay. This is what happened when I met the doctor at TMH on a rather hot May afternoon. Dr Sudeep Gupta not only discussed how Yashasvita was doing but he also spoke to her doctor in Delhi who had worked with him in the past.

I still remember the glee on my face as I walked out of TMH to know it is fine. Remember the celebrations? Well as it became clear the lockdown was here to stay and that travelling is ruled out – we decided to have e-celebrations. Leading the tech team was Vishal – Yashasvita’s husband. Yashasvita was in and out of hospital during this period for her chemo sessions and she even had one couple of days before the event. But now it seems she had saved all her energy for the event. The first and second day after the chemo are really bad as all the chemicals inside the body do their trick and you just let the body adjust.

She is the jaan of all our get togethers. Cracking jokes, mandatory dance, may be some Madhuri Dixit steps too. And she danced that night. Like she had in all the gatherings she was part of in the past. And that was the last dance.

Things only got worse from there. The alarming increase in her parameter continued in July as well and her cramps only got worse and she was in terrible pain. Another test in July confirmed our worst fears – the disease was spreading.

I was to meet Dr Gupta again in August. This was after that phone call from Yashasvita that will remain in memory forever. When she was first diagnosed with cancer in 2007, she was expecting her second child. She gave birth to boy in October that year and continued with her treatment. But never during those trying times had I seen her spirit broken. She was the one who was giving us strength in her fight against cancer.

It was no different this time either. But that morning in August 2020 she was in pain. Terrible pain. Asking me, pleading me, ordering me to go and find out how can this pain go. The sheer helplessness I felt that moment. And when I met Dr Gupta he said it in so many words. I could barely walk to the car and burst into tears. There was no treatment possible now.

Could there be something else that we can try? We looked for all options and even got alternate medicines but nothing worked.

While we were all trying to come to terms with what was in store for all of us, Yashasvita and her husband Vishal, also knew how it is going to happen and how much time she has on her hands. Yashasvita was admitted to the hospital one last time in August. Around same time, I also fell ill with some mysterious disease and my darling sister who had few days on this planet, was telling me to take care of my health and the usual brother sister stuff. I was trying to give her gyan not knowing she had more gyan than me as far as her illness was concerned. She even recorded a sweet message for her kids while she was in hospital which Vishal shared after she left us.

And that brings me to a rather special thing that happened this year. It was the role reversal when younger siblings showed us the way. I will only remain indebted to them for life for their strength.

Our lives changed forever after Yashasvita has left us. Nothing and I mean nothing is the same anymore. We all are picking up pieces of our lives and finding our own ways and means to cope with this loss. There is no day when her memory comes rushing out of nowhere and leaves with a heavy heart and few tears.

Vishal has started work on a charitable trust in Yashasvita\’s memory and we will be working on areas and issues she strongly believed in. What better way to keep the memory of such a wonderful person alive than working on her dream project.

The mask, social distancing, lockdown etc were the new normal for us and everybody else in 2020. But those of us who know Yashasvita and were blessed to have her presence in our lives, this is not the new normal we wanted to live with. But live we will, because that is what life is all about.